Dear co-dependent new roommate,
You were still cool when you drank the last of my soy milk. You were still kinda cool when you gave away my ENTIRE pie to your father because you claimed that I would "never eat it" after I had only had it for 3 days. I still thought you were cool when you used every dish in the kitchen, then packed every piece of trash in a pile, and then told me that you couldn't take it out yourself because you threw out your back. But when you begged me at 10pm right before I got into to bed to drive you "right down the street", and then I find out that this random place is not only NOT "right down the street" (try 5 miles down the street), but that the place is Blockbuster, that is when you lost your cool card.
So how about this: the next time you throw your back out lifting 1,000 lbs of laundry and then decide to make it even worse by doing 2 hours of TaiBo, don't go f*cking up my life by making me feel obligated to help you because I feel sorry for you and because you let me move into your place without giving you the full deposit. That's not very nice, it's not very decent, and it is especially, not very cool...at all.
In addition, I do not appreciate you taking 40 minutes at Blockbuster picking out (1) movie and then chatting up the 19-year-old clerk about myspace. Don't you understand that I have to be at work by 7AM??? That means I have to wake up by at least 5:45 in order to get to work on time with all the f*cked up traffic. So that extra hour that you STOLE from me caused me to not only wake up late, but to get to work 30 mins late as well. Thanks so much for that.
Just do one thing for me, though: sleep with one eye open.
Contemplating smothering her with a full body pillow,