Dear New Boobs,

So. Here we are. Together at last. But let's discuss some pending issues shall we...

What the fuck is up with the burning nipples? It literally feels like someone has stuffed hot coals into my sports bra-esq surgery bra. Is this a result of you trying to get your sensation back? If so, carry on. If you're just being a vindictive asshole, then I'm going to continue to yell at you to stop it in my Valium/Percocet/Vodka induced stupor. I understand the nurse told me just to put my hand over you to calm you down, however I'm not prepared to have to explain my actions to my co-workers. Fucking cut it out, you're pissing me off and making me look like the crazy lady.

I appreciate the fact that somehow you never looked like you were wrapped around my neck, however, the sooner you drop the better. It's a bit ridiculous that I can't shave my armpits because you are literally blocking them off. WTF? You aren't even crazy big and you weren't even supposed to be in the armpit area. If you have suggestions as to other ways to access them, please share. Otherwise, move inward, you're cramping my style.

Thank you for uniting me with my new friends Percocet, Valium, and Xanex. They make the world a better place. I wish I liked everyone as much as I do when I'm with them. Mixed with vodka. And sometimes wine.

Also, would you somehow inadvertently explain to my co-workers that now is not the time to ask me to file a complaint/draft a memorandum/tie my shoe/speak english because I really can't locate my nose, so legal analysis is pushing it.

Can't wait to take you out on the town even though I don't know what day it is,
T