Dear Roommate’s Gf,

You are honestly dumb as an effing brick. You came crying to me yesterday because you got written up by your boss because you left work early on Friday for being hungover and actually told him this was the reason why you were leaving instead of making up an excuse. You are a girl, you have a plethora of excuses you could use and get away with. And by no means is this the only example that qualifies your stupidity. Who majors in fashion retail and takes 4.5 years to graduate with that degree (assuming you graduate in December)?

Also, everyone knows you want to marry my roommate. You don’t have to keep telling us you want a ring from him. Do you really think I’m going to go to him and say ‘your gf keeps hounding us about you getting a ring for her’? He used to be so much fun to get hammered with. Now, you have successfully domesticated him and continue to make him feel bad for even considering going out with his buddies without you.

Hoping he breaks up with you so I can watch your life fall apart,
Paul

P.S. We know he is rich. You don’t have to keep telling us in that damn sing songy voice that you are ‘dating a rich guy’. Effing gold digger.