Dear Former BFF From College,

I was excited about your past visit, but you proved that you can still be an ass. While I can respect that you tried to pimp me out to your friend (see Midwestern Boy below) I can not tolerate your need to text message EVERYONE from my phone. As I woke in my drunken haze, I realized that you texted every old boyfriend you could think of from my phonebook.

I am sure at the time it was funny. But for the last two days I have been dodging texts from men who want to know if I was serious about missing their dong and looking for a repeat of whatever slutty night we experienced. Thanks for making each text personal so that I could not claim I selected the wrong number.

Sorry you have a wife and kids and have no fun anymore except when you visit me,
J