Dear TSA:

Blow me. When a kid vomits on the floor in your security line you have to disinfect. If you don’t, I’m not walking there. Period. Sock-footed-puke-skating is gross. Why is that surprising? And just so you know, we will never have sympathy for you. We all hate you: you make us half strip, get wanded, risk athletes foot, and you grope us. You’re a waste of my taxes and protect us from squat.

And, au contraire, being loud and difficult DOES solve something. That riot I almost started was worth almost getting barred from my flight. Notice how you cleaned the floor and let me go through a different security gate? That's a solution, dipshit.

Don’t worry. I hear X-Rays are harmless.

Happy not to be you,

p.s. That puddle was way more than 3 fluid ounces. How come you didn’t confiscate and destroy the kid? Isn't that one of those rule things you love so much?

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