Dear Lindsay Lohan,

It was written months ago that you had said you had bruises all over your legs due to rigorous pole dancing lessons you were taking for a role in a movie (that apparently sucked rocks). I will confirm that one does develop bruises as a result of pole dancing lessons, however one should not speak of them in public. Or in front of reporters, on late night television or to gossip bloggers. Also, do not offer to show off said bruises to the paparazzi.

Pleased as punch that you are clean. Please stay this way,

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