Dear boy who slept over twice that I am apparently allergic to,

I have been changing all of my bath products, discontinuing the use of many highly loved lotions, washing and rewashing my sheets for almost a month now trying to figure out why my neck, arms, back and stomach are all itchy and covered in bumps. Finally the doctor has enlightened me by asking a simple question, "Do you have a new boy sleeping over?" I knew it right then that it was you. Your nasty cologne or perhaps the trashy hair gel that you used has caused this reaction. Thank God I've stopped answering those 1:30am phone calls. That hair gel sure isn't getting back in my bed!

Doped up on all the allergy meds I am now taking,
Em