Dear Self,

I am kind of disgusted with you right now. Your irresponsible actions on New Year's Eve make me want to just slap you, i mean REALLY. You didn't even have a good time, and now shit is all fucked up (possibly). And you were doing so well for a while there... you got drunk and fucked someone you didn't even want to fuck because the person you do want to fuck is totally playing hard to get. You are kind of a dirty whore. What am I gonna do with you? Stop drinking. Please.

Scrubbing myself in the shower,
I. M.

P.S. At least I can rest assured that there's probably about 5 million other people who did exactly the same shit last night and are spending the day, like me, wishing for a time machine to go back to yesterday, before all the shots and the champagne, and all the various drinks people shoved in our faces screaming "HAPPY NEW YEAR". Everyone who got drunk last night and did something they shouldn't have, I feel your pain.