Dear Katie Holmes,

Let's face it: Your husband is completely nutzo. A fucking psycho dude. I heard he just built like a something-million dollar underground shelter for you when the world ends (apparently soon). But I have to say, despite your matrimonious ties to a lunatic, I just love you. Your child is so incredibly adorable that I want to hunt her down, abduct her, and tickle her all day long (in a non-sick way). Additionally, your Jackie O. style simply bangin. No, bangin is not even good enough of a word. I need to come up with something even classier to describe you. I'll get back to you.

Hearts,
A