Dear pumpkin patch full of young families,

I know that pumpkin hunting is a family orientated sport. I get that it is the best fall photo op however, I refuse to subscribe to the belief that I should have my filter on because YOU chose to bring your kids to the patch. When I loudly stated to the old man volunteer that I needed a innocent looking pumpkin to defile, I was not necessarily kidding. Is it so wrong to wish for a large gourd to carve male genitals on? I bet with a candle it would bang (much like Ricky Martin). So next time I drop the F bomb and ask for a pumpkin that will host a large penis or vag, don't stop and stare. Just be jealous that you didn't think of it.

Wishing you had chosen another type of patch,
J