Dear spring breakers,

I just wanted to let you all know that you can shove it because Florida is overrated. Mexico is overrated. (The caribbean? Okay, not so much, I wouldn't mind wasting a week in Barbados, but that's not the point.) Spending a relaxing week at home with a couple friends is not as torturous as you might think, especially since I'm here working and making a shitload of money while you're all down there WASTING IT.

And I really appreciate YOU calling me "the only time you've been sober" just to let me know that you're having the time of your life, although you can't remember exactly how you ended up on the beach this morning. And I can't exactly remember why I'm dating you. But hey, spring break only happens once a year, right? And there's nothing like STDs from those Florida girls, I always say.

I think I'm going to need to buy earplugs to avoid your wild spring break stories. Do I look like I care?

Totally not bitter (can't you tell?),
Is