Dear unexplainable fatigue and other symptoms,
You sucked enough when you caught me unawares in the form of strep throat last weekend, effectively ruining my awesome plans to see Point Break LIVE and go on a raging weekend bender. Now that you have turned into unexplainable fatigue, general malaise, a still sore throat and hot flashes it's fair to say you might in fact be mono. What. the. fuck.
I'm newly single, have made plans every weekend for the next month and have plenty of prospects who probably wouldn't appreciate me if I turn into a cesspool of germs that contain the "kissing disease". So sack up! Please be the result of stress and too much partying. Ruining my now fabulous social life would be grievously unacceptable.
That little blood test better be negative, bitch, or there'll be hell to pay,