Dear women who hate men because we are all assholes:

Though you have a point…we are all dicks…you have no reason to complain…

It IS totally your fault we’re tools, after all.

The notion that you want the nice, sensitive, caring boy who thinks the world of you is bullshit. The nice guys get no ass. No ass means no little nice guys. So they’ve died off. RIP nice guys.

The dangerous, insensitive, difficult-to-win-over-boy with tattoos, piercings and dubious morals with the wandering eye is the challenge to you. YOU all pick us, don’t forget, not the other way around. And we understand it…when the jerk likes you, you feel special. When the nice guy is nice, who the fuck cares? He’s nice to everybody! After all, we all chase the hottie bitches for similar reasons.

So no, it’s the bad choice…not the nice guy…who you make out with and take home again and again. That nice boy who princess-carried your drunk ass home and tucked you in with a cup of water left by your bed? You break that fucker’s heart like there's money in it. Being sweet is the biggest mistake a dude can make.

THAT’S why you don’t get to complain about the asshole gene.

Our asshole gene is simple evolution. The caveman who painted pretty pictures on the walls and listened to what the cavechick’s histrionic hopes and dreams? No offspring. His ass got sent outside where he got eaten by a Sabertooth.

Nope, The cave linebacker who got Cro-Magnon on the Mammoth is who the cave-sweety chose. His insensitive furrowed brow is the one y’all made out with…

…so that’s who we’re all descended from! The purebred niceguy? Totally extinct. Killed off by lack of getting chosen. You don’t get to consistently pick assholes to take home and then hate that that’s what we all are! We have fucking conformed to your preferences!

So deal with it.


You know you’re more mystified by the jerks, anyway. Enjoy enjoying what you’ve created, already.


Anonymous said...


You're right ... and not so right. I'm the good guy and haven't been laid in a few years or so. So you're statements are dead on. But, I have to look in the mirror every morning and if I saw the "jerk" man I wouldn't care for that. So I suffer but have my integrity. To me that is more important!


Keebs said...

"His ass got sent outside where he got eaten by a Sabertooth."

That, my friend, is poetry. Cheers to a great post.

Shameless said...

I happen to *like* the nice guys...except when they get all pouty and start whining that nobody likes them... that's kind of a turn off.
But give me the confident nice guy (with a slight naughty streak), over the cocky asshole or the whiney pushover any day!
...Wait, I've already got one. :)

massie said...

Here here shameless! Nothing is more UNSEXY then a guy who complains that no one likes him b/c he is the "nice guy" I totally heart the nice guys, they are the one's who turn out to be more than a hook up and you really learn to care about.

A said...

Liking the bad boys is something that only lasts during your early twenties. Girls eventually get over it. I recently did and my current AMAZINGLY NICE bf blows my past assholes out of the water...not to mention his peen is bigger. His niceness makes him so incredibly irresistable and sexy. God, I love him.

Anonymous said...

Dear women who don't believe men are all bad or who do but don't hate us for it:

Y'all weren't actually on my "addressed to" list. And DAMMIT! What are you trying to do, exposing my entertaining rationalization and excuse to a dose of pure reality?! I'm trying to excuse all males from liability for dickishness, here. Stop tinkering with my flimsy argument, please.

Nope, I'm sticking to my story that the nice guy gene is a recessive trait - either that or your boys are all mutants. Or aliens!

Shit, we're being invaded!


p.s. d2 must be one of em. Check him for gills.

Is said...

Uh, no.

I DO get to complain about the asshole gene, thanks.

The only thing I can't complain about is that I'm stupid enough to mistake jerks for nice guys 70% of the time. Why the hell would I want to date a jerk? I'm actually interested in something serious, not something that will break my heart. Girls DO like nice guys, so don't kid yourself into thinking all girls want a badass with "tattoos, piercings and dubious morals."

So like I said, all guys have the asshole gene. It's just dominant in some and recessive in others.