Dear Borderline Cybersex,

You are getting out of hand. All was fine until I realized I was sitting in a library with at least 30 other people around me talking about railing a man with a strap-on. This is only leading me to further sexual frustration than I was already experiencing and I'm done with it. Also, I'm so guilt-ridden, I feel like a Catholic. This is reminding me of how I felt after that one time I mounted a whole basketball team like they were bulls at the rodeo in their locker room after a big win(the best part was when the mascot nailed me from behind). The dirty talking is dunzo, for it is futile. No sir, no more.

Instant Messaging Slut Reformed,

P.S., Does AOL make chastity belt buddy icons? Because if so, I'm totally get one and locking that shit up.

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