Dear gay-dar,

Never have you failed me like you did last night. The boy with the pink shirt and lispy voice got nexted as a gay in the first 5 secs. Until I yelled at the girl sitting next to him for being a prude because she doesn’t “curse, lez out, or take it up the ass” and aforementioned boy spoke up in anger on her behalf…because he was her fucking boyfriend. How could you be so faulty? Were you made in Taiwan? With such an error in judgment, you’ve left me no choice but to question my own sexuality.

Riding the fence until you get your shit together,
M