Dear Whale Watching Tourists,


I admire you. Your ability to live vicariously through the whales is truly stunning., Here's the thing: we saw one goddamn whale the whole time. Just because you see "light-blue water" doesn't mean you saw any actual whales. Here's the other thing: You aren't a professional whale photographer, if there is such a thing. Bringing your 6 thousand dollar camera really insn't necessary, as you can buy better pictures of whales at a postcard shop for 25 cents. Another thing: tank tops are for fit women, not fat men. And your Kankles turn me on.


Whaled-out,
Jon Shay