Dear female ejaculation,
I'm sorry you're so misunderstood. Ignorant men stifle your creativity and confuse you for the golden shower. Others who have never experienced you doubt your very existence. Don't let the nay-sayers get you down. Much like Prince's attempt to turn himself into a symbol, you're just ahead of your time. But that doesn't mean you're wrong. Just because the rest of the world frowned upon Hitler's attempt to eradicate an entire race of people doesn't mean it was a bad idea. You broaden my horizons. Because of you, I look at the vadge in an entirely different way: like it's a squirt gun and my fingers are the trigger. If you were the Bible, I'd be an evangelist spreading the truth of your gospel. I'm the Billy Graham of squirting, saving lost and lonely souls two fingers at a time.
Your biggest fan,
P.S. Just because I'm your biggest fan doesn't mean I enjoy sleeping in a puddle of soaking wet sheets. So if you're gonna come knocking at my door, at least have the fucking decency to bring a few towels. Love you, mean it.