Dear campus health clinic,

When I say I haven’t had sex in eight months, there’s really no reason to ask, “Well, have you been using contraception?”

I understand it’s hard for you to grasp that there are diagnoses in the world other than “preggers,” “stoned”, and “hungover," but do you realize you just made me take a pregnancy test to rule out the possibility of Immaculate Conception?

Not the type to brag about a dry spell,
Eloise