Dear Emotions,

I know its hard to control yourself, but we have a situation. I haven't had sex in like a month and I am horny. But every time I try to think about going out and getting laid, you get all crazy and make me think about my ex, who just dumped me a few weeks ago. Look, I know its hard and everything, but need I remind you of the pre-boyfriend dry spell that lasted over a fucking YEAR? Yeah, remember that, emotions? I am not going through that again, so sack up and get your shit together before my vagina closes up. Now, the breakup has caused me to lose a few pounds, plus I have a sweet tan and I just got a brazillian. I am in my PRIME here, so... just think about it.

Starting to squirm,
Y

P.S. A sidenote to the Dear Life readers: it is possible that the above referenced dry spell was caused by the traumatic experience of getting the absolute worst head of my life and NOT due to a lack of hotness on my part. I mean the guy was all over the place, with his tongue and... man it was bad. He frightened my vagina into a year and a half of hiding.