Dear former substitute teacher,

Contrary to all appearances at the bar last night, I’m not generally a belligerent lush. It’s not my fault that the guy who kept buying me drinks looked like Jesus. And when Jesus says, “Hey, this one’s a double shot,” the natural response is “Okay. Thanks, Jesus.” Because that’s what my mom and the Bush administration would have wanted me to do.

Love,
C

P.S. Apparently while I was lying in the fetal position and cracking up in one of the dining booths, you told my friend you were “high as a kite.” It’s a shame that it took so long for the real you to come out. We could have had a lot more fun when I was in high school.