Dear Sex Life,

You've made a strong point. But now, you're just being a vindictive bitch, hell bent on punishing me. I get it. I kind of don't want to hang out with me either when I date a guy that gets panic attacks on our dates because he likes me "so much" or sleep with a guy that promises he likes it rough, but instead buries his head in my neck and moans quietly - almost to the point of a whimper, while I wonder if his penis even exists. and the ugly faces that were scary to wake up next to that wouldn't leave until they jacked off because I refused to touch them. We could have stood together in our disappointment and worked as a team to overcome. But you're stubborn and mean - and you abandoned me just to spite and mock me.

Can we make a compromise? I will steer clear of the psychos with wee little bits if you remain clear of the STD's. I will let you motorboat and straddle guys in bars if it makes you happy. We can go back to making out, almost naked in hotel elevators. We can once again choose boys that look like Jared Leto (pre-3 seconds to mars makeup fiasco) and that are hung like amazons. You name it, Sex Life, I'll be there. Just come back to me. Just think of all the good times we used to have before things took a strange turn...let's go back to those days. I miss you. Come on back you dirty bitch.

Call Me,

Blondie

P.S. See you tonight?