Dear ex-friend/women in general,

I know that you now have a boyfriend. He and I don't get along, it's true. Perhaps because he is a coldhearted, manipulative, alcoholic douchelord with a Napoleon complex. I know I created resentment in this past when I told you what I really thought (which, by the way, was only to protect you). In order to avoid doing that again, I began to keep my mouth shut and ignore your undying, unhealthy obsession with him. But now that you two have moved in together, you have forgotten about your girl friends all together. I do not appreciate this, as I invested a lot of time in you.. i.e. the hours of taking care of you when you were three (twelve) sheets to the wind, the hours of consoling you on the phone about Napoleon, etc. You owe me for those hours.

The only man I will choose over my friends is Jose Cuervo,

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