Dear New Crush,
WHY do you have a girlfriend? She lives far, far away and has already said she won't move out here. You've lived out here almost two years and you've said you don't intend to move back (nor do you intend to marry her, your words). Move on already, for fuck's sake. I know you like me, and I like you, and I really kind of want to date you. But I can't because ... why?!
I'm trying really hard to be cool about this, but I kind of really just want to scream. I've already liked a guy who was unavailable. It's not fair that I should finally find someone else I can like and yet he, too, is not single (uh, and that would be you). Fuck that. If you don't break up with your gf soon, you better at least introduce me to some cute, single guy. I think you owe me that much.
Frustrated beyond rational comprehension,