Dear potential child stars at the audition this weekend,

Sucks to be you:

1) Most of your parents either look like trailer trash with super frizzy, fried out hair, or ghetto messes with 9 kids, or both.

2) You have the craziest bowl cuts I have ever seen. I really can't tell the little boys from the little girls. Sadness.

3) You're so cute that it's not even funny. Really. It's not funny, so stop it.

4) If you are Asian and a girl, your mom is going to dress you up like a korean whore, with the 3-inch heels to match...and you're only 6. Wow. Double Sadness...

5) If you mess up your lines, you won't get dinner. Triple Sadness...

6) Stop smiling at me. I'm not an agent.

7) Even if they do pick you and you become a huge child star, the chances of you ever having a normal life or making a smooth transition into adulthood are so unlikely that you might as well put a hit out on yourself when you turn 12, so you won't have to suffer. Ever heard of Gary Coleman?

8) None of your friends at school like you. No, not because you are "gonna be somebody", but because you smell like your mom's perfume that she bought at 7-Eleven.

9) Being "precocious" is not a good thing. It's annoying.

10) No one really does The Charleston anymore.

Good luck!

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