Dear Weekend-Self,

Consider this a warning. You are OFFICIALLY on notice for being a complete and total fuckhead. Basically... 0.0% of the shenanigans you pulled this weekend could be considered even remotely acceptable for a person of your birth year, IQ, or relationship status. Stop acting like a douche. Stop embarassing your friends. Most importantly, stop embarassing Future You. She pretty much hates you 100% of the time. Because when you clock out at 4am on your friend's futon with your shoes on and a green plastic shot glass still around your neck, SHE'S the one who gets to take over in the morning to clean up your mess of a life, and with a raging headache no less. Pull yourself together, woman!

Act Your Age, Not Your Shoe Size,
CF