Dear Alcohol,

Yeah yeah yeah. You had your big hurrah last night, but I've been really thinking about this a lot lately...I need to grow up and I need to stop drinking you in vast quantities. Here are some reasons why you're bad. Last night you made me:

- Grope someone's grandma's ass
- Purposely throw in the words "fuck" and "fucking" as much as I possibly could within 5 feet of tweens in dresses from the Limited Too
- Lovingly beckon my mom with "come here bitch, get in for a hug"
- Accuse everyone of being in love with me
- Grab the mother of the bride's boob
- Get on the dancefloor, try to do the black girl chicken dance, make everyone watch as i "flapped my wings" and "got my eagle on", and then danced like a wild woman with the step-father of the bride while spilling my beer haphazardly all over the floor
- Scream "MAKE OUT!!!" as the bride and groom are cutting the cake
- Have a drunken argument with the bride's 12 year old half-sister about who is better, Vanessa Hudgens or Ashley Tisdale, then cut if off by saying, "I'm too bombed to talk about this right now. Here, hold my beer for a second"
- Be really mean to some guy in a plaid shirt for the sole reason that he was beating me at beer pong and i'm a sore loser
- Light a cigarette backwards and realize like 2 minutes later why something didn't seem right

Yes, all of these things are inappropriate. If you could stop ruining my life, that would be nice. Also, if you could stop making me the most CONCEITED person that ever lived when I have like a sip of you that would be lovely. My friends are getting really tired of me telling them how attractive they think I am.

I'm done with you for awhile. All you bring is trouble and unjustified narcissism.

Not Love,

P.S. Thanks for breaking my phone. Bitch. do you have to rub it in my face by doing your special text ring and then me having to live with the fact that i can't read them?


Massie said...

Oh A,
You crack me up!

Thanks a bunch

Jon in Denver said...


I want you get drunk with you. It'd be mutually beneficial, because you'd feel better that someone is worse than you, and I'd be happy that someone is almost as bad as me.

-Jon in Denver