Dear Antonio the Supersexy UPS Delivery Man (Soon to be DC Police),
I can't believe I just gave you my number! You are so sweet! I appreciate that you stop by to chat even though I am no longer on your route, and I think it's really cute that you so obviously have a crush on me. However, I do feel I must warn you -- I'm batshit crazy, and super socially awkward. I probably won't pick up when you call, and I DEFINITELY won't initiate any phone calls. I'm not saying it's the end of the line for us, just that you should be prepared. You seem like you have a lot going for you, but it turns out I only go for guys who are emotionally stunted and/or generally incompetent. Maybe if you were a UPS Man with NO hopes or dreams, I'd feel more in my element.
Plus, I'm TERRIFIED of your BBC. Seriously, that shit's gotta hurt.