Dear Heidi,

I used to really like you...then you got saline injected into your chest, started dating a gerbil with a bad attitude, became bff with Joe Francis (ew, i just shuddered thinking of him), and frequently tipped off the paparazzi with your whereabouts in desperate attempts for fame. I miss the good old days when you used to say "Ooooh snap!" and wave your little wrist around. Also, your ex-bf, Jordan, was so much cuter and better. Remember when he bought you that puppy?! That was hella cute. Where did that little bugger go, anyway?

I want the old heidi back. That flat chested little biotch we all knew and loved. where did she go? man, i don't know, but i think she took all of your body fat with her.

You Did Something Shady,
A