Dear socially retarded roommate,

I know you’re not used to having to share a dorm room with another person. But since I’m new and you’re broke we both got stuck together. Here is a list of helpful hints that perhaps you can abide by to keep our room happy.

1) Stop trying to “save” me. I get it. You like to go to church. Whatever. I like to sleep in on Sundays. So leave it the eff alone.

2) Red wine is not served chilled. I’m a California bred wino, so don’t try to tell me about wine. And considering you don’t drink at all, what authority do you have exactly?

3) Any etiquette guide will tell you that you tip a pizza delivery person. What kind of person doesn’t know to tip someone who brings food to your house????

a. So don’t ask me to order with you any more. I’m not tryna have my food spat in.

4) Next time you decide to rearrange the room, it would be polite if we discussed it first. You know? Like roommates are supposed to?

a. Walking in and thinking I was in the wrong room is not a good feeling after a long day of classes and interning. K thanks.

b. Also, moving your bed to be in front of the windows is nice and all, until you leave the blinds open and I’m trying to nap on my side when you’re in class.

5) I don’t care about your BIO major answers to my dumb questions. My BFF is going to be a doctor too and she doesn’t explain every detail about why things happen. Just let me be. I don’t explain government to you and there is obvi a reason why I’m not a BIO major.

6) Stop talking to me all the time when I am clearly reading and/or watching TV and it’s not a commercial. I don’t know who you think you are, but we’re not friends like that. Please get a clue ASAP.

7) Clearly you’re savage.

a. Pillow shams are decorative. You’re not actually supposed to sleep on it.

b. Duvet covers are different than comforters.

c. Stop telling me to make my bed because my cute striped sheets are “too loud”. Your ugly comforter makes me want to cry but I’m not complaining.

d. Don’t threaten to make my bed for me. That’s just weird.

Hopefully we can work it out,