Dear Life:

While you have been generally awesome lately, a certain someone is being a real asswipe today, so I'm being bitter about all the crap you've put me thru over the years. Here are some things for which I believe I deserve an apology:

1. That time I farted in my sleep with a hot hook-up and woke BOTH of us up.
2. My dead-beat doctor dad couldn't be bothered to put his first-round kids, ie me, thru school.
3. I have massive debt from putting myself thru school.
4. I was the tallest girl in my 6th grade. Oh wait..did I say "girl?" I meant "person."
5. My beloved dog mysteriously died while I was on my "I finished the bar exam!!!!" trip.
6. When I was 5 and convinced my cousin to break into a house w/ me and when we got busted, she got to go have cookies w/ grandma while I got a beating.
7. Catholic school. Nuff said.
8. That time in high school when the German exchange student told me I looked like Tori Spelling.
9. W's second term (or...maybe the American public's stupidity should go here. I mean, really, people. WTF were you guys THINKING?!?!)
10. That time some douche didn't get my humor and thought I was mocking him and so told me I looked 45.

If it were possible, I'd totally sue you in a plaintiff-friendly forum (Hello, Cooke County, Illinois!) for one dollar in nominal damages and eleventy billion dollars in pain & suffering. We both know I'd so win. Probably JUST for #8.

Blow me,

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