Dear Friend Whose Blood I Just Found Smeared All Down My Leg,

Tonight was a rough one, huh? I think you should tell people you got in a fight with some latina bitch trying to steal your boyfriend. That's kinda truthful...except by "latina bitch" i mean the cement ground and by "trying to steal your boyfriend" I mean because you got Jimmy legs dismounting the balcony railing.

Whatever, you're prettier than like, everyone. You made that shit look hot. Next thing you know, MK Olsen is going to be photographed eating shit just because you made it look so good.

Getting You A Bandaid For Your Boo-boos,
A