Dear "Granola" Guy In Front Of Me In Stats Class,

I understand you are going for more of the au naturale look. The miniature bush on your chin, which all too closely resembles an unkempt and unruly vag, shows that you embrace the facial hair that God gave you; I get this. Your long, not so flowing locks, also proves that you don't like to mess with one's natural ability of growing hair; thus, you never cut it. I get it!!!! My issue stands with the damn scrunchie you insist on pulling your stringy, hairball-like strands back with!!!! Uh, those went out in like '92 at the VERY latest. Lose it!!! So, feel free to embrace all the hair you can grow, but PLEASE for the love, use a normal hair binder and not Kelly Kapowski's maroon scrunchie!

Desperately Wanting To Hold You Down and Leave You Hairless,
Mo