Dear MC Hammer:

Thanks for showing up last night for a free concert. Too bad you're weren't too legit to quit singing Can't Touch This after 90 seconds. And by "too legit" I mean too old and/or too high on black tar heroin (nice!!) to finish the fucking song. That was way lame. ESPECIALLY after the 43892 year delay, talking like Darth Vader about yourself from backstage pre-show, and yelling "Ham-mer! Ham-mer!" in an attempt to hype us up once you realized we were booing b/c your old ass was taking too long to do lines off the 14-year old openers. We all know that it takes like...what?...4 seconds to do lines off a hot, nubile body, so you weren't foolin' nobody, Hammuh.

You're old and even if I COULD touch this, I sooooo wouldn't,

b

PS I have to admit, you're Nationwide commercial was crazy, hella cool. I laughed my ass off for like 3842 years.