Dear Mr. Nice Guy,

I'm sorry that I haven't returned any of your phone calls or listened to a single one of the numerous voicemails that you have left for me. You have great intentions, and it is sweet that you want to go on sober dates and do things like take me to plays and cook me dinner. Unfortunetly for everyone involved, it turns out that I am only attracted to boys with gratuitous tats, gambling addictions, hankerings for illegal substances, criminal records, no direction in life, and a general disregard for others.

Better luck next time,

G