Dear Foreign Exchange Dudes Who Work Out at the Gym,

It’s called observational learning. Look around at others to see that the shit you’re wearing is not appropriate. Neon lightning bolts have not been fashionable or sporty since the Hoff’s Knight Rider days. Ass-length skin-tight spandex undershorts are a hard look for anyone to pull off, but especially when your overshorts are twice as short. And your combination of pastel blue with lime green inseam stripes running directly to your crotch begs the question: Are you deliberately trying to draw attention to your sputnik? (Although nice package, btw. What are they putting in the water over there in the motherland?). Your outfit makes me wonder if you saw the Eric Prydz Call On Me video and failed to realize the satire. I know sarcasm can be lost in translation, but you’ve got me expecting Jane Fonda to walk around the corner any moment as your personal trainer. But at least Jane would be able to tell you that you’ve mistaken the painter scaffolding for an isolation exercise machine. Look, we won the cold war bitches! So shape up or ship out.

Your Fitness Fashion Expert,

Matt

P.S. What would steroids run me on the black market?