Dear Guy At The Coffee Shop On Campus,
Listen, I KNOW what you're up to. I KNOW that you hit on every other girl that walks in there the same way you do to me. Do me a favor and STOP acting like I'm special. People talk. You may have a teensy crush on me, but I know I'm one in like infinity so it's not even that flattering anymore.
Ok, I would never date you, but I still really liked the idea of having your eyes get all buggy everytime I walked in to get an iced latte on a sweltering summer day in my short shorts. Those days have come and gone and I'm over you. I even called you out on your flirtatious manner the other day and you reassured me (in a convincing tone) that you did not do this with others....LIES!
So, thanks for the extra slices of bread, not charging me for things, and always telling me how pretty I look each day, but I'm not buying it anymore. I know I'm nothing to you...for you have hundreds of undergrads to oggle over all day long.
Um, wait a second...why is there something terribly wrong with this picture??? OH RIGHT! Because I'M the one going places in life and YOU'RE the one steaming milk.
Keep Your Complimentary Expresso Shots To Yourself,