Dear Job Market,

This is going way beyond playing hard to get, you're just a big ol' clit tease, aren't you. You call me for interviews, make me think I'm going to get somewhere with you, maybe a nice salary or some health insurance.. then BAM. You disappear, stop returning my phone calls, act like nothing ever happened between us. What is wrong with you that you think you can just walk all over me? I'm a person, you know... I have NEEDS. For example, I NEED to pay rent so that I'm not forced to move back in with my parents in a month. I also NEED to pay tuition so that I can continue my journey to a graduate degree. I NEED cute new clothing for the impending cooler weather. Oh yes, and I NEED to eat, but my fridge has been empty for about a month now. So... let's just cut the crap. Stop fucking around and hire me already.

Detail oriented and enthusiastic graduate student seeking employment immediately,
Y

P.S. I also need to continue paying my therapist. Pretty please hire me?