* This one's pretty good. :)

Dear SnoozBar:

I absolutely HATE you. First off, you're spelled badly, secondly you allow me to ignore my alarm for a measly 9 minutes!! Who the HELL picked out NINE minutes?!?! It's not even enough time to fall back to sleep or rub one out. And you're so damn small!! If you were a guy I swear you'd be hung like a light switch!

Let me further explain why I LOATHE you - 4am… you go off… I reach for your insignificantly small button only to knock over my daughter's glass of water and the lamp from my nightstand… which wakes up the dog who immediately needs to pee… finally find your stupid button (the snooze bar, not my wife's button) and you leave me alone for ONLY NINE MINUTES… of which the dog is nosing me, and I'm suddenly acutely aware of how stupid it was of me to pound that beer before bedtime… so I lay there, for EIGHT OF YOUR FREAKIN NINE MINUTES… trying to ignore my desire to urinate and the dog's cold wet nose until I finally drift off to sleep… AND YOU GO OFF AGAIN!!! GAAAAHHHH!!! I just want to throw you against the wall, light you on fire, and roast marshmallows on your burning carcass of a stupid machine made by Panasonic….. DIE DIE DIE!

Yours in hell,
J