Dear Dearly Departed Cell Phone;
Although your performance was always only mediocre at best, it is a tragedy the way you met your untimely death yesterday. While I cannot excuse my absentmindedness entirely based on stress, I will say that it is largely what caused me to leave you on the roof of my car and drive down the highway at about 70 mph. You gave it a good shot, ol’ boy, and you hung on for dear life for about a good five miles, and for that, I have to hand it to you. Although I frequently berated you, constantly called you a “piece of shit” (let’s face it – you pretty much were), you deserved more than to come face-to-face with a gas guzzling SUV in the middle of a major highway at rush hour. You were no match for that SUV anymore than you had a chance once you hit the pavement at about 60 mph or so. What possessed me to run out into that very highway and fetch the remaining pieces of your mediocrity, I’m not sure I will ever know – although I have a sneaking suspicion it had something to do with the faint notion that I thought you might actually still have a chance in hell of working. Well, as it turned out, running out in the middle of the highway actually saved me a whopping $200 when it came time to replace you (with a vastly superior model, I might add), because while the rest of you was useless, that little SIM card you gave your life to protect was all that I needed to salvage everything you formerly were. So, I suppose that means I value my own life at $200 or less since running out into highway traffic wasn’t my brightest moment…especially when my sandal came off halfway across the lanes – sweet. So, I dedicate a moment of silence to you, dearly departed cell phone. Rest in pieces while I talk on my new phone that never drops a call.
Wishing you safe travels to cell phone heaven,