Dear Mononucleosis,

You are such a fucking bitch. Apparently I have had you for two weeks, but decided to play the wait and see what happens game, which doesn’t really matter since I can’t take any sweet prescription drugs for you anyways. I can barely hold my head up and yet I insist on coming into work. What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t do any work while I’m here because I have the attention span of donkey shit right now and lifting up my pen to write seems like the hardest thing to do in the world. You have already caused me to miss the Notre Dame v. PSU game this weekend. If you make me miss my third and final interview with a top 5 advertising agency on Monday I will kill you… seriously.

Could you please decrease the number of mononuclear leukocytes in my blood stream soon?

Thanks,
Paul

PS The morning nausea is really getting on my nerves. I wake up and dry heave in the toilet like a pregnant chick. Could you please stop this?