Dear Banana Republic Black Cigarette Pants,

i love you for two excellent reasons.

1.) You rang in at $19.95 at the register. It's a crime to look this cute for paying so little.
2.) You are a size 2 and fit me like Winnie Cooper fits Kevin Arnold. Take that(!!!) sluts who measured me for a bridesmaid dress and tried to suggest I try on a 10 (wtf?). I may not have an ass good enough to make the cut for a Nelly video, but at least I feel no guilt about buffet-style dining at any given opportunity (Dear Guido's, thanks for the salad, 2 sandwiches, garlic bread, spagetti, 4 slices of pizza, and GIANT Dr.Pepper I ate an hour ago).

Love,
A