Dear Coworker #1,

YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
and i know it would be best for us both if we never saw each other again, ever, ever (goddddd you have so tainted this amazing job for me with your awkwardness!), but i realllllly liked getting texts from you at all hours of the day and night, unabashedly begging me to come over and "hang out". we both know i'm not going to leave my house at 2:30 on a wednesday morning to bang you, but i was still happy somewhere in my sad desperate little brain every time you asked.

on a somewhat more pissed off note, where the hell did you get off telling your fug super-conservative companion(s?) about us hooking up?? definitely not cool, man. one of them in particular has been hinting that she knows for approx. 2 weeks, which really does not improve your prospects of getting some ever again. you don't tell the fug friend about that kind of thing, ever, but esp. when she already hated me because i'm exponentially cuter than her.

i do have to give you player points, though, because you're one of the select few guys i know that can hang out with two girls and successfully pull the "nice guy" thing on both of them, therefore getting into two sets of panties, with neither one having any idea about your relationship with the other...

AND THEY'RE TWINS.
(i'm cuter than them too, btw, and you know it.)

you're an overly horny douchebag and writing this has made me realize how absolutely done with you i am,
-c