Dear Grown Man I Mistook for a Lost Puppy,

When attempting to pick up girls, might I offer you the following suggestions:

a) A compliment or two is great. A hundred is just awkward. Don't lay on lines like "I would be honored to spend 5 more minutues with you" after knowing a girl for an hour.

b) We live in Charlotte. Every other man is an i-banker or accountant and it is these successful types that the single girls of the Queen City are used to. Keep your sub-par career path and undergraduate university under wraps for as long as possible, or go get a degree in finance.

c) Confindent, put-together, independent women seek the same in a male counterpart. Work on that. I'm not a babysitter.

Somewhere out there a mommy dog is wondering where you went...

I swear I'm not a huge bitch, I just know what I (don't) want.
G