Dear Guy Who Dicked Me Over Long Ago(Thank God),

WHY?! Why do you feel the need to drunk dial me and confess your undying love. You were the one who stopped returning my calls, and never showed up when you said you would. Now all of the sudden you regret that you "lost the best thing that ever happened in your life" (your words, not mine). You make references to "when we were together." We were never together, I used you to buy me beer cause I wasn't old enough and you used me as arm candy, which I was completely OK with since it led me into the arms/beds of some of your hot friends.

So please, stop asking if "we" would ever have another chance, there was never a chance to begin with, and there never will be!

Lose my number,
K

PS: Stop telling me about all the other girls you could be calling, hang up, and call them, they might actually care!