Dear Suz:

I’m sorry about this, but it’s for your own good.

[SLAP!]

I’m totally starting to see what’s wrong here…

Where to start? …okay, first: Suz, I’m not “right,” I’m a guy. Moreover, I’m a guy who is not (I promise you) attractive. I can only be “right” in the absence of women. That’s, like, a law. That means children, dogs and other men MIGHT respect my authori-tay, but not women and DEFINITELY not bangin’ women. All of us guys are comfortable with this law, so don’t fuck with it.

Second: “…ask me out already?” No no no no no! Ngahh! Holy shit, Suz! That is definitely NOT making anybody work hard! You have to make us earn it. Let me see if I can explain this:

(I’m really sorry Suz, sit down and put some ice on that cheek.)

Now the hottie, (that’s you, Suz), is the one who has what we (we’re the guys) want. Which is you. We want you. See? And we will do whatever we HAVE TO, to get you. “HAVE TO” is the operative phrase here. That’s not what we should do, or what you might suggest or like…it’s only what we have to. And if we don’t HAVE to do anything, we sure as shit won’t, see? We’re totally lazy. Not just some of us, ALL of us. (Except gay guys, but they don’t want you, they want to BE you. And bitch-guys, but more on them later.)

So if you don’t make outperforming the ENTIRE field of guys available to you a NECESSITY for the lucky one to get what we want (still, you…the hottie…) then we will do pretty much nothing because we’ll get you anyway.

It’s very commercial. Demand, supply, price. We have to outperform…and in return we get you. Now the good looking, successful, wealthy guys? Those guys should have a steep performance curve. And for the rest of us losers it should be IMPOSSIBLE to get even the time from you unless you’re wasted or we are the most charming guy ever or we save your life or something. Higher performance requirement, see? All of us guys are okay with this. (Well, not terrorists or Mormons…they want to be handed multiple virgins in exchange for being dicks, but those of us who aren’t religious wack-jobs are totally fine with the variable performance requirement thing.)

I should note at this point that I, personally, am especially okay with the steep and variable demand price because I totally busted my ass to win my sweetie over.

(I say “I should note” because if my girl reads this and attributes it to me, I want her to know I’m explicitly not flirting with rando hotties online. I don’t want to die.)

My hottie is so “out of my league” that people ask her…I swear this is true…if I made or inherited my money (which I have none of, FYI)…because they can’t figure why she’d be with me unless I’m rich. I totally get this question but it makes her super-mad because SHE’S convinced I’m great and that money couldn’t improve me. That’s a healthy state of affairs. Not because my broke ass actually IS great (it’s so totally not), but because I do what I HAVE TO so that she thinks I rock. See the distinction?

What else?

Oh yeah, finally: No bitches. Beyond making us do what we have to in order to win you over, don’t put up with us if we turn into doormats. Doing whatever we have to is necessary and is “being a mack.” Doing everything you say is “being a bitch.” Being your bitch makes you despise us eventually. This was the toughest lesson for me and EVERY guy should be forced to learn it. Even if you think you want us to do EVERYTHING you want, you’re wrong. Trust me, you don’t want a bitch. You can’t stay in love with someone you don’t respect. We have to learn to shoot the gap between doing not enough and treating you badly, and doing so much that we become your bitches and lose your respect. Any guy who lets you make him your bitch deserves to get schooled. Don’t hesitate. Just stomp that heart and move on. (But change your phone # when you do.) It’s way better than slowly growing to loathe some poor guy. Give us the tough love.

‘K?

So to reiterate my critique:

1. Don’t break the law;
2. Make us earn it, and;
3. If we act like bitches, fuck us up. It’s the ONLY way we learn. Like the slap, see?


You’re the hottie, Suz. Demand the hottie premium.

Suz? Are you still conscious?

Sigh, it's Friday. I'm going out.
-T

p.s. Don’t expect non-fug guys to figure half of this out. They don’t have to, so don’t. Only us fugs who are bunny-hungry HAVE TO to compete. Or at least WOULD have to, if you followed the rules, Suz. >: ( Don’t Wal*Mart the system on us here.

p.p.s. No cloning. My kids should only be half-fug. Cloning would be too cruel to little fuglets. Go clone something cute, like a puppy.