Hahahaha

Dear Condoms in My Nightstand:

I looked you over last night and I'm not sure you'll even begin to be adequate for Neighbor. This is unacceptable for 2 main reasons:

1. He'll be all, "Yeah, my dong is huge." with inflated chest and ego to match OR

2. He'll pretend it's fine and either
a. lose blood flow in his special purpose and end up with severe and permanent dong damage OR
b. it'll be stretched so tightly that it'll break during, not only totally negating its SOLE purpose in life, but probably will also sling shot around in there and after doing harm to my internal organs, it'll end up lodged in my throat and my mother will have to identify me in the morgue and my cause of death will be "Asphyixation by Prophylactic."

I think I'll risk a trip to the (STD/fetus-free) clinic...
b