Dear 40-Something Balding Coworker,
Remember when I had an intense, inexplicable attraction to you for about two seconds? Yeah, I didn't get it either. I guess it was the whole powerful/jerky card. But now I find out -- turns out you're not an asshole, you are just a big dork! The reason you were avoiding eye contact and normal social conventions such as saying "hi" in the hallway? Not because you are too busy and important, but because you are too socially awkward to accomplish these things. Awww. Kinda cute. But also...no. I'm glad that's over because now I have a new office crush to think about -- and he actually talks to me!
You Like The Civil War Too Much and I Think There's A Reason You're Unmarried Still,