Dear Tonsils,

Why do you inevitably swell up like balloons every time I have the audacity to kiss a boy? And why, in the heat of the moment, do I always forget this and have to spend the next week feeling super shitty? It's so uncool that you bring your friends stuffy nose and body aches along for the ride. I have so much shit to do (in case you haven't noticed we are still unemployed). You are really gross and unattractive and I want you gone by my date with cute English boy tonight. If not so help me god I will have you removed so fast you won't even know what happened. Take period with you.

I don't think Jesus loves me,

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