Dear The Two Boys I Have Massive Crushes On,

After last night, it is fairly apparent to me that the three of us can never all hang out at the same time ever again. I cannot juggle the both of you. I'm a people pleaser by nature and this does not bode well for me when I come off as borderline slutty because I'm accepting your affections/drinks, making out, and grinding with you both equally throughout the night while whispering in your ears that I have the house to myself and I want your bod just as soon as the other leaves to go to the bathroom or the bar.

One of you I'm only interested in boning casually for the next couple of months because you are smoking hot but yet slightly unstable. The other I could definitely date/like long term. This sort of decision making doesn't go well with copious amounts of wine. And, it's clear that when you are both together I have a definitive decision to make of who I want to take it to third base with later. All of these conflicts in my head, mixed with the fact that it is impossible for me to put my people pleasing nature on hold for five seconds, results in me going home alone. This is unfair and from now on I will be hanging out with you one at a time. I'm thinking we could do a Friday night/Saturday night arrangement. Or...


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