Dear Last Friday's Date,
Thank you for a lovely evening. Your taste in restaurants, wine and semi-undiscovered fabulous bars is impressive. The conversation was also stimulating, although not over the top in regards to commonalities or chemistry. But I liked you all the same and thought I might want to continue on to other dates.
Then came your good night kiss. ummmm... So, you obviously know that an open mouth kiss does involve tongue...You were able to work that manuever out after awhile. But the whole closed mouth, smush my face with such force to the point of suffocating me, then rocking back and forth as if there were tongues excavating areas in the mouth (although your lips were closed) for extremely and uncomfortably long periods of time gives me pause.
I have had quite a few great kisses in my day. I have gotten quite a few compliments on my lip action. But I haven't experienced something like that since I was in second grade and my friends and I used to "pretend" we were making out with our dolls like they do in soap operas. Not only are my teeth bruised from you pressing so hard, but I think this may be a new version of drug-free date rape. (Just smooosh until she passes out and bingo!)
Seriously, you're 31. Was this your first kiss? Please don't be offended if I don't return your calls.